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What I really meant to say.

Schizophrenic Words

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I don't care what you say. I'm saying this to myself.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Hikari, I don't see the point in you going around trying to make everyone else happy. Not everyone will be happy at the same time and you need to accept that fact. I realize that you've tried your entire life to make people proud but people are proud of you. Yes Hikari. People are proud of you. They're not proud of what you've done or how you excell or even how you fulfill their every freaking whim. People care about you for yourself and you should stop killing them by making everyone else happy. You know that it kills them to see you do what you do to yourself and you need to stop. People do care about what you do to yourself. About a year ago, you couldn't say that. I know that it's hard for you to cope with the idea that people care about you but think about it. You can kill them by internally ripping yourself apart OR you can make them happy by being yourself.
 
Every day you wake up and wonder if these people who care actually exist. You dread opening your eyes because you're certain that you just dreamed them and that everyone is judging you again. Yes. Everyone will always judge you. But these people look past all the outward things. Paul, for example. You know that he cares but you still wake up and wonder if he's real or if he's just trying to make you feel better. 14 years of these thoughts is a hard thing to break but let people help you for gods' sake. You can't keep pushing people away, Hikari. When you push them away, you kill them. To see them hurting, kills a peice of yourself. Stop the chain and just let them hold you while you cry. You may have forgotten how, but these people are the people who will teach you to cry again. It won't be that they hurt you and you eventually cry. These people wouldn't hurt you intentionally for the world. The world, Hikari. If you haven't taken a look lately, the world is a pretty big place. You can't please everyone at one time.
 
You can't keep taking the weight of the world on yourself. Yes, this is the worst time of year for you and you take the blame for everything. People admire you for that. There are people who wish they had the strength and endurance you possess by just waking up and getting dressed in the morning. The world isn't fair and you've accepted that. But everyone has their fair share of pain and you've exceeded yours. Continuing to pull the pains and grieves of others is a noble task, but you need to let people help you. It's not that you can't do it alone. You can do it. But, with every step you take, you leave a piece of yourself behind. If you won't let people help you carry the burden, at least allow them to gather up your discarded pieces and put you back together. Your humanity needs these people's help. Whether you like it or not, you cannot live the way that you are for very long and not kill yourself.
 
Scott gave you the title 'Barake' for a reason. You can't see that reason but he can. Jon can. Paul can. And you know that each and every one of them would gladly sit you down and tell you everything if only you would let them. Hell, I can think of at least one of them that would hold you close and not let you go because of what he sees in you.
 
You can stop holding back the tears. It's okay. Everyone cries. You have just a good a reason for it as anyone else if not a better reason. I have a feeling you won't do so just because I said to. Crying is not a weakness, Hikari. It's actually a strength. Just let someone hold you while you weep. It's the least you could do for yourself...Don't do it to make anyone else happy, Hikari. Do it because you know that, even though you hate the idea, it will help.

And that's what I really meant to say.