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What I really meant to say.

To my Okaasama

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Here are all the things that run through my mind late at night or when you're yelling your lungs out at us.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I have to admit, you are a great person. You're a wonderful case manager and I'm sure your clients love you. Your greatest flaw however, is understanding those whom you should know the most. Your children. Especially me.
 
Okay Mom. Get a good image of your daughter in your mind. Think about every single aspect imaginable about me. The way I look, how I dress, the way I act. Think about it. Make an image of me in your head. Now, according to that supposedly elaborate image, answer these questions:
  1. What are my religious beliefs?
  2. Have I ever cussed?
  3. Have I ever cut myself on purpose?
  4. Why do I do what I do in my spare time?
  5. Whom do I look up to?
  6. Have I ever overdosed on anything?
  7. Why am I philophobic?
  8. Who is the only person helping me overcome this fear?
  9. Name 10 of the closest people to me.
  10. Where do I run to release all my problems?

Alright, now that you have your answers, read my answers. Read the truth and be amazed at who I actually am.

  1. I am agnostic by religion
  2. Yes, I have cussed. And still do.
  3. Yeah, I've cut a lot in my life. Never to where you could see it. I'm not that stupid mother.
  4. I do what I do to escape. There are people that care about me, truly care about me, and that I can tell all of my worries to.
  5. I look up to John Paul Floyd.
  6. Yes, I have overdosed. On painkillers mainly.
  7. I've been philophobic for as long as I can remember but it's worsened so much because of Chris Watson and the events linked directly to him.
  8. The only person helping me overcome my phobia would be someone whom I'm sure you know. Paul Poplawski ring a bell?
  9. Scott Dunkin, Justin Decker, Barbara Stoecker, Paul Poplawski, Adele Miller, Carolyn Herring, Cody Cromwell, Grayson Cupit, Kyle Middagh, Uncle John Paul Floyd. (In no particular order)
  10. Nowhere. I hide it all inside myself. Wonder why?

Well, now that you have a better idea of who your daughter is, let's have a little chat about how I feel. Yes mom, I have feelings and I will express them.

Lesse, home life. Guess what? I hate it. With a passion. Of a thousand burning suns. Why do you think I spend so much time on the computer? Because it's an outlet. It's a place where I can go to be myself without having to feel your wrath. And you watching my every move? Where hath thee taken my haven? And me being the only one who works around the house? Am I suddenly supposed to be the adult? No wait. I've been the adult figure in our house for a long time. Yes mom, you pay the bills. You work hard to get us food, water, clothing, and shelter. What else do you do? Come home, order me around, complain and sleep. Wow. You've certainly helped things on my part, eh? I cook for you, I clean for you, I do your laundry, I take care of the animals, you and Alex, I fulfill every whim you could ever imagine! I'm only 15 mom. I'm not an adult. I can't carry that much responsibilty by myself. I might be strong, but that's severely pushing it.

How much do you really know about me, mom? Did you know that I have suicidal thoughts? Tendencies? If you didn't, which you won't, why didn't you know? After thinking on that, why do you think I'm still alive? To whom do you owe the life of your only daughter? Hm... let me think. Oh, I know. To a one Paul Poplawski. Hm. Odd. The one person you don't trust being around me is the one person who's been keeping me alive. The only person. Perhaps this hasn't clicked yet. Anyway, back on topic. My life. Based upon it, I imagine myself to be one of those children that go off to college and only come back for the reading of your will. Being a mother, don't you think some things should change? Shouldn't the changes start now?

Myself. You should have a better picture of who I am by now. Some more things. I don't believe myself to be anything special. I don't believe myself to be pretty, smart, funny, etc. I don't believe in myself. If selfesteem could be measured in numbers, I'd be somewhere around the (-14) area. Yeah. That low. You only tell me things to encourage me when it's either conveinent or whenever something happened at work that made you think. Guess what. There's one person who reminds me daily. Someone who makes me believe that I can do something with myself. That I'm good enough to be somebody. Care to take a guess who? If you guessed a person by the name of Paul Poplawski you would be correct. I sure hope this is sticking in your mind by now.

Once everything is said and done, remember that I love you, Mom. You're a wonderful person who really tries to make something out of life. But, sometimes, you've got to get priorities straight. You've got to loosen up and let me be me. Let me show who I truly am. Would that hurt you so bad? Remember that I'm an introverted person. I hate people. I hate being around people I'm not fond of and I hate it when you force me to be around such people. Please stop trying to force me to be who you want me to be. I am my own person. Let me be unique. That's all that I ask of you.

All I want is for you to see.

All I want is to just be me.

And that's what I really meant to say.